Community
I’ve been having so many conversations about belonging and community this summer it’s shocking. It’s no wonder that as I revise this offering for the millionth time (literally) that it would be on the last day of August.
Community has given me more than small cause for pause. Thinking over the last decade plus of my life, moving around, failing, hustling, making friends, leaving family, missing milestones, achieving some pretty major things (without witness) has all led to one certain thing. I have decided to keep making decisions. Determine what you want (really want) Florence and don’t stop until you get it. Well, that’s my usual M.O… but with community… nope you cant force it. It’s a blessing, and a miracle and somehow, increasingly rare in this strange super connected world. Community, I discovered, isn’t just the ability to connect (because honestly if Zoom and all its counterparts would cease to function tomorrow I don’t know that I would shed tears), its individual relationships and its years of investment into people and a place. It’s the best harvest one can reap but only gotten after years of sewing.
Do I know how to be part (really part) of a community? I mean lets be honest, I have a little problem with remaining in one place. Another question, what kind of community did I need to belong to?
In my quest, I discovered a few things a few things about Community. Community is more than a collection of people in the same geographic location at the same time. I mean… that is a community “of sorts” but the most nourishing kinds of community requires consistency, shared purpose and a defined role for each member (Why are you/they there? What are you/they contributing?). Community like most dynamic things builds something. Good community builds safety and trust.
While I wouldn’t have said it 15 years ago, I know now that community is critical to my overall wellbeing. Indeed, according to a study by Washington State University, lack of community builds social anxiety which is correlated low self-compassion (and low self-esteem).
My self-compassion? Woah. My internal monologue has been on a steady nose dive for a while now and reached all time lows in December of 2019. I’ve been scraping myself together since. At the beginning of the summer, my inner voice was berating, stinging and down right venomous. Waking up in the morning meant making a list of the ways I was going to do better no matter how I felt because, (like an unforgiving task master) I said so.
So that we are all singing from the same song book, I think a definition for self-compassion is warranted:
Self-compassion is the ability to turn understanding, acceptance, and love inward. Many people are able to extend compassion toward others but find it difficult to extend the same compassion toward themselves. They may see self-compassion as an act of self-indulgence, but extending compassion toward oneself is not an act of self-indulgence, selfishness, or self-pity.
What truly helped me get my self-compassion back in check was the decision (yep I said decision) to get back to a set of tenants that would drive who I sought to build my community with in my new/old home. Most importantly, I decided that I had to build my new community on a firm foundation. For me, that’s my Christian faith.
Enter Brittany, my lovely friend of many years who, when I’m home in Tampa, I work out with before dawn. Britt and I solve all the worlds problems, (hadn’t you heard) and laugh really hard at many things including my attempts to perform a pathetic assisted pull up, a few times a week.
Well, one day, out of the clear blue sky, (not really because I don’t think the sun was up just yet) Brittany asked if I would like to join her bible study group. Ask and you shall receive right? I wanted to leap up from my reps and throw my arms around her in gratitude but I couldn’t… as I think we were (as always) lifting heavy, I was sweating and winded and would have done myself a mischief had I attempted any sudden movement. I accepted breathlessly and was elated!
Every Tuesday, from 8 - 10 p.m. for 7 weeks we met at Meredith’s home (as well as Brittany’s and Katie’s) to review “Truthfilled” by: Ruth Chou Simmons. For someone like me whose punishing and straight up mean inner dialogue was hurting me so very much, it was a challenge. The lessons basically said,
“Say nice things to yourself Florence!”
It was just the intervention I needed. Embracing the hope I needed for my discouraged soul in the company of others who were having their own battles with the same, meant that I was part of circle of trust. In that circle of 10 -15 women each week, my heart was so full! It had been such a long time since I gathered like this. I wasn’t leading, it wasn’t my idea, and our conversation was framed by shared principles. I felt safe!
The mission of my summer was to recover and I have to say that my new community has played a major role in that. I’m so happy to belong to this community of wives, mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. Everyone shared not only their struggles and ask for help and also offered to lend help and support. There wasn’t one evening I didn’t learn something new, or have something to consider as I left Meredith’s home!
When we are part of a thriving community, we feel a sense of kinship, camaraderie and connectedness. When we are part of a community there is a place and a role for each person, and the members feel they can bring all of themselves to the table. When’s the last time you were able to do that?
Community fosters high levels of trust and psychological safety in which people know others will have their backs and will give them not only the benefit of the doubt, but the space to expand and grow. Within a strong community, people feel valued and have dignity.
When you have good community around you, its easier, I’ve found, to keep the negative self-talk at bay and the debilitating perfectionism in hand. I can’t thank all the ladies I’ve met in my new community enough. Every single one of those women who, with their kindness and consistency met me where I was, through our shared purpose in the practice of our faith. These women imparted to me a feeling of value and dignity as they fulfilled their roles which made me feel as safe as I have in a long, long time.
We’re going to keep talking about community in later blogs, but for now I would love to start a conversation.
What does community mean to you?
Do you have a community that builds safety and trust?
What are you doing to seek out or build that community if not?
Please leave comments and suggestions below. We can all benefit from your insights.