Level up. Level out.
About mid-November I became increasingly agitated.
Upon questioning my state of nearly constant irritation I realized the problem.
I couldn’t seem to “bail out the boat” of endless mind occupying things fast enough to create space to simply think my own thoughts unencumbered. I recognize more and more how important my private thoughts are.
When I say - think my own thoughts, I am in no way referring to the endless, crippling ruminations on what I could do better or the myriad ways I’m failing myself and others. Annoyingly, and exhaustingly, that nonsense I always seem to have time and space for. What I mean is the thinking that actually brings resolution. The thinking that makes me fancy myself a being highly capable because I am sorting, choosing and deciding in a state of peace and contentment. Thinking for me is part passive waves of thoughts at best on a single subject, part active daydreaming and that other sweet nearly imperceptible envisioning.
In this fugue state I can scratch the itch of niggling thoughts that cloud my brain and make my daily life frustratingly opaque. Through this peaceful and meditative process, I see again - clearer.
But the question is, where did this state of obscurity and eventual irritation come from?
The plan was to “bail out the boat” and then in quiet and tend to myself. Where is it written that I have to get rid of the never-ending ‘to do’ list before I can take care of myself in this most vitally important way? But you see that’s my default autopilot. Tend to others, quiet the demands and then I’ll think - so wrong. I can’t blame this all on external noise. Another component of my overwhelm was my own creation.
I pressed in on all the things I felt were lacking before, I scooped up an embarrassment of riches in opportunities that seemed to lay strewn about my feet and I became a little imbalanced grasping for my freedom, community engagement, the beauty of Switzerland, new friends, relationship and occupational security and I, like a greedy child making off with all the treasures my hands could hold, underestimated how much I could carry and the distance I had to carry it.
No wonder I was am frayed.
I arrived at the doorstep of my Christmas vacation, worried I was behind, fearful I would disappoint my hosts and disgusted with my own ability to right all the wrongs I saw in myself. I wasn’t exercising properly. I didn’t feel healthy, my right eye was twitching from all the screen time, my dreams were polluted with work and fantom life emergencies gone berserk, my alarm was going off earlier and earlier in hopes that if I started at just another hour earlier and stayed up a little bit later - I could get it all done and the boat of my life would stop taking on water. My goal was honorable right? All I wanted was some time to think.
What would I do with this time? I would have enough energy to read…read my bible, to pray and meditate to go for a lengthy vision filled run, cook a nutritious meal, browse through a farmers’ market, I could do what I love to do best without it feeling like a chore. I could think. But that time never came and activities that help ground and center me are done at a sprint and in between all the appeasement and my eye keeps twitching.
While purchasing last minute gifts the night before my departure to Hamburg, I picked up a book by Jordan B. Peterson a much-contested thinker. After settling into a post-Christmas stupor with my host family I started reading Petersons 2018 best seller “12 Rules for Life, An Antidote to Chaos”.
In the second chapter titled: Rule 2 Treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for helping - I found the seminal question interesting;
“What might my life look like if I were caring for myself properly?”
I will quote Peterson, since I cannot explain it any better.
“You need to know where you are, so you can start to chart your course. You need to know who you are, so that you understand your armament and bolster yourself in respect to your limitations (read that last one again). You need to know where you are going, so that you can limit the extent of chaos in your life, restructure order, and bring the divine force of Hope to bear on the world. You must know where you are going, so that you can bargain for yourself, so that you don’t end up resentful vengeful and cruel … [D]on’t underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunity.
Reflecting upon my chaos induced agitation I shake my head and know I have to begin (again) to care for myself properly. With so many new variables its now for me to understand the why so that I can “bear almost any how” - Nietzsche
How are you concluding this year? What questions from the paragraph above are you struggling with? Do you have time to think? Do you have a practice around thinking?
I am looking forward to reading your comments below! Please share your thoughts!